Today was our first rehearsal since the show. Our fill-in bass player can’t rehearse until after his work day, so we've been meeting from 7-10pm on Tuesdays and it’s pretty brutal. The whole Labor Day thing kinda fucked everything up because today was technically everyone’s Monday, and while I enjoyed resting over the extended weekend, I woke up this morning feeling wayyy behind.
Promo for the Viper Room show needs to start ASAP, and my mind is buzzing with ideas for how to get people there. We invited some really important people (media plugs and potential managers), and as you might have guessed… we need to get good footage. This will be our last show for a while, so I want to make it count. After the performance, we will focus on recording demos, shooting content, and finding a permanent bass player.
I spent most of the day watching footage from The Virgil, which is my least favorite part of performance art, though a necessary one. I recognize that I am new to all of this, and there are bound to be plenty of imperfections at this stage, but nonetheless, it’s a blow to my confidence watching myself on tape so far away from where I want to be.
There are a million little awkward things to nitpick–– the people-pleasy things I say to the audience in an effort to come off as likable, some unfortunate dance moves, a few vocal strains, and my posture. Oh, my God, was my posture terrible at this last show. It takes a lot out of me emotionally to watch those recaps because I’m so critical of myself. And I have to be. That’s part of getting better. Still, it doesn’t feel super great.
Watching those videos also sent me down a familiar path of body hatred (the split pants certainly didn’t help!) and all I could see in the replays was how out of shape I am. Consequently, I started a low-carb diet today, and the low sustenance only added to my anxiety. Couple that with the renewed undertaking of a daily gym appointment which also started today, and I was in a tizzy come rehearsal.
I was near tears when it was time to leave the house, basking in how hard all of this is (which is my disposition, like, 90 percent of the time these days), but to my delight, the band and I had one of the best rehearsals to-date. It was a true illustration of how this process works: performance begets critique which begets improvement. Turns out, some of the other band members were feeling similar to how I did in terms of their performance, and it was comforting to know we are all in the same boat together.
Something I noticed in the videos is that I was straining a lot and doing too much, which manifested in big, jerky movements as I was trying to conjure high energy and push a ton of volume out of my voice. Ultimately, it didn’t pay off in the way that I wanted it to. So today, I went in with more chill and focused on doing the set in a relaxed state.
Like most things, less is more. Instead of trying to force volume or overcompensating with choreography, I now realize that simply enjoying the the music and sensation of singing opens up a freer environment to flourish from. I had so much fun in the session, bopping around in my converse and oversized band tee, goofing with the boys. And from that, authentic sounds and movement began to flow into a work of art that I imagine would be pretty entertaining to a crowd.
It was a far cry from what I saw on the camera when I pandering to the audience rather than being comfortable in my own skin. So, when Troy brought up the dreaded question, “What are we wearing for the next show?” I had new ideas.
Of course, my previous intentions have always been to dress sexy. If you got it, flaunt it, right? It will enhance the music, right? But now I’m not so sure. I was having so much fun at rehearsal today, and that was partially because I was in a safe space with people I know, but I think it also had a lot to do with what I was wearing.
When I think back to other outfits I’ve worn on stage, either during open mics, concerts, or just on the world's stage, it’s always the skimpy little outfits that make me feel the most restricted. I used to be accustomed to it back in my modeling days because it was quite literally my job to prance around half-naked all the time, but it required a constant body awareness that I don’t think serves me as an artist.
Especially now, when I’m not totally confident in my physique, it’s even more of a threat. Whatever energy I may spend worrying about a wardrobe malfunction, a nip slip, or if I look fat only takes away from my ability to move and sing freely. And that's what all of this is about, no?
I’m tempted to wear the same exact thing I wore at today's rehearsal–– black denim shorts and a mustard-yellow graphic tee that falls just above the hemline-- but that may be too casual. In the past, I’ve tended to dress in a suggestive way, and I just don’t think that does me any favors on stage. Sure, in photos and music videos, let’s bring it on (or rather, take it off), but live performance is such a different art, and I don’t think my sex appeal should be a main concern. In fact, I think doing so will only hold me back.
Surely there’s a way to dress comfortable and still look stylish. But then, maybe it’s cooler if I completely go against the grain of what everyone expects from female performers. At least for now. Could be a bit of a flex, right? The boys didn’t seem to keen on that idea, but… we won’t know until we try. Ugh At least I have some time to think about it.
Ttyt,
hannah