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days without incident: 0

Hannah Nalley

Ok, so I missed yesterday's post. I feel kind of gross about it because I know how I am, and if I’m afraid now that I’ve missed one day, this commitment will slowly unravel into destitute. Also, it’s simply a failure. I said I was going to do daily blogs. And I didn’t.


I could go into detail about the excuse for why I didn’t, but that’s a waste of time. Long story short, I was tired. Didn’t get home till 2am from a music thing and had to be up at eight. Another reason I should probably start doing these in the morning… I say as I type this at half past midnight.


But the truth is, I’ve always had this tendency to procrastinate… It's been with me since I was a child and has caused me so much distress. I know there’s probably some deeper psychological reason as to why I have this pattern that a some life coach out there would love to dissect, but I haven’t figured out the “cure” yet, nor do I know if I ever will. In any case, I'm not going to beat myself up about it right now because that would be counterproductive.


One thing I do know, is that the human brain can only take on so much change at a time, and it’s better to implement small, incremental steps than to try and overhaul everything all at once. I am already navigating this newfound commitment to sobriety alongside the daily blog posts, and those two things alone are pretty substantial feats, not to mention all the other territories I am covering as I learn the ropes of the music and entertainment business.


The only thing I can do is keep going whenever I fail. So, as it relates to the missing a day of these blogs, I ought to just pretend like it didn’t happen, that way I don’t allow myself to slip into excuses on a regular bases. In order to stay accountable, I think I will reset my count of consecutive days like they do to monitor incidents in hazardous workplaces.


**Midway through this blog, I called Chad downstairs to tell him about my practice. He didn’t know the whole of it before tonight; only that I've been journaling more regularly. I didn’t want to tell him until I had kept the commitment for some time because I often get a hit of dopamine just from telling people my great ideas and then never actually follow through. The reason I decided to let him in on the secret now is because last night, when I told him I needed to write, he (with the best of intentions) insisted I go to bed so that I could be rested for play rehearsal in the morning. Being so tired, I abided. But today, I feel crummy about the whole thing. Ergo, I told him about the commitment so that he understands the necessity of these daily entries, no matter what circumstance may arise.


I recognize that all of this sounds frivolous, as do many of the things that fly through my head. There are several of topics I could discuss right now… like how much I missed the rowdy feeling of drinking when I was with my friends last night... the deep, looping rabbit hole of face dysmorphia and the world of aesthetics (which I’m completely positive we will dive into on many future occasions, so there is no need to bother right this moment, anyway), and... a conversation I had with a bandmate yesterday about the difficulties of maintaining the plethora of relationships that exist in varying degrees as a result of living as an artist in Los Angeles.


These are uniquely first-world problems, to be sure. I’ve already done the duty of passing preliminary judgment upon myself for their shallow nature, and that awareness, in essence, is the beauty of this blog.


I often ask what is my purpose for writing these entries and what would happen if people actually read them. I’m not daft enough to think that anyone (at least in this moment) gives anything resembling a shit about my life big enough to inspire them into dutiful subscribers who hang onto every word that I write, teeming with suspense. No, I don’t know if anyone is reading these. Because of publishing these blogs isn’t to build an audience. The point is that anyone could read them at any time, and putting myself out there like this is a bold choice that is gradually helping me heal.


Like many internet users, I fear I may say something in these entries that will become outdated in time, a way of thinking that we will evolve past, and if some future fan digs deep enough for this version of me, I will be ridiculed and rejected, confirming that my vulnerability was a mistake and I am a person undeserving of love. But I take solace in the idea that these blogs will help me evolve over time into a better version of myself, and at that point, whatever crusty belief systems and fixations I started out with will be all the more inspiring as part of that bigger picture.


There is no doubt that this practice is already drastically improving my life. It brings me potent clarity and holds me accountable for the things I need to work on. It is rebuilding my confidence in how I express ideas, and it's helping me figure out who I am. 


I’d be remiss if I said I wasn’t eager to get on to more important and valid topics that aren’t steeped in my own vanity, but the truth is, I have a lot of work to do on myself and I have to get those things sorted out before I can expand and flourish as a beacon of strength.


There’s so much more I want to say, but part of being a good writer is knowing when to stop. Besides, we have the rest of our lives to divulge further ;)


Ttyt,

Hannah

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Representation

Management

Genetic Artist Management

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317-735-5173

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Chad Milam

310-703-0320

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Hannah Nalley Holdings

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