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fairy dust

Hannah Nalley

It feels like there are so many things to catch up on. Things I wanted to say but didn’t, wrapped up in a whirlwind of emotions and never ending tasks. The first thing that comes to mind is my show at the Viper Room. It was a pretty big fucking deal. And the feelings have been like a roller coaster– a massive, creeping build-up to a stomach-dropping height, just before a sharp fall. 


I took many lessons with me from our show at the Virgil, along with some valued advice from a friend and fellow musician who I was pleased to see in the crowd. The nerves were bubbling up in the week before the big event, with an added amount of pressure from my parents coming into town and seeing not only my first major show, but my house for the very first time. 


Nonetheless, I stayed pretty calm on the day of, and I believe that experiential wisdom, discernment and sobriety aided me in my preparation. For instance, I knew that my parents would be less than thrilled with LA’s traffic (do you blame them?) and my dad, in particular, would rev up his usual anti-California rhetoric. Sure enough, as soon as they hit city limits, our phone conversations changed tune, and I specifically instructed Chad to charm them at any cost when picking them up from their hotel.


The last thing I needed on arguably the most important day of my life thus far was to carry someone else’s emotional weight. Luckily, my parents understood this and were nothing but supportive and chipper when they arrived, giving me plenty of space to do my thing. Nonetheless, before they got there, I was rushing to clean the house and confirm attendees for the night, so I wasn’t left with a whole lot of time to get ready. And so, I decided to breathe calmly and drop my expectations of shaving my chewbacca legs (which I think is more punk rock anyway) to prioritize my zen.


It was sort of surreal to see them in my home… Sometimes I feel so disconnected from my childhood because my life is so different now. Visits to Missouri don’t help much, either since my parents moved houses more than once after I left. They both retired relatively early, and with that, their personalities and lifestyles have changed as I’ve drifted further and further away from their embrace.


I used to cry every time I got on a plane, terribly distraught with my decision to leave the people I loved so dearly. Over time, I shoved those feelings down and covered them with a blanket of numbness that disallowed me from knowing I had a family at all. I’m the only one who lives in a different state, and I don’t know that I’ve ever really gotten over the heartache of that reality. 


So, to see my parents here in my current life kind of broke my brain a little bit. I introduced them to my band, my friends, and my cat. I sang songs that I wrote while my mom cheered wildly in the crowd. It wasn’t all magical and fairy dust as I thought it was going to be. I could tell my parents were proud of me, but my dad has this way about him, something I haven’t always liked but always respected, not to give false compliments.


I could tell he wasn’t totally impressed with the performance, and he would be right in thinking that I have a long way to go before hitting it big time. That’s one of the hardest parts about this stage of the performance; watching the footage back. But it’s necessary for improvement, and I think my skin is thickening in that regard. I only had a minor breakdown over this last batch of videos ;)


The other thing I was worried about, with political tensions being the way they are, is my dad’s strong-opinionated nature and conservative view of the world. I didn’t want him to say anything that would be “cancelable” because for Christ sake we live in LA, which is every bit as prone to group-think as Missouri, just in the opposite direction. I usually opt out of those conversations because I don’t find them productive, and as a result, few people know where I actually stand on the political spectrum. And I’d like to keep it that way… for now ;)


Anyway, I reminded my dad before the show to filter some of his speech, which I later found out offended him. We’ve always had a complicated relationship with a mess of emotions; stubbornness, sentiment, rivalry, love, and pride. I know it’s challenging for him to see me in a world that he doesn’t understand, and frankly, I’m still trying to figure out how to make it all fit myself. I don’t want him to feel like I’m ashamed of him, because I’m not. The truth is, I’m still learning who I am and how to be stronger in this ruthless world of entertainment. 


Reflections like these are reminders of the path I chose and the sacrifices I’ve made to be here. In my heart is a warm forever of family days by the pool and eating grandma’s homemade squash casserole for dinner. But it’s only a keepsake that gets me through the brutal reality of today. I hope my family knows how much I love them, that I would do anything for them, and the moments we spent together, I cherish for all of eternity. It’s just too painful to think of the distance, so most days, I don’t.


I largely feel disconnected from many of the things that once made me who I am; family, religion, and a genuine, carefree nature that joyfully touched people’s hearts. Truth is, I’ve been weighed down by the world’s venom, too self-absorbed in my own insecurities to really meet people. 


Gahh, there are so many more things I want to say, but as usual, time is my enemy. Who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll befriend it. For now, I must say goodnight.


Ttyt, 

Hannah

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Representation

Management

Genetic Artist Management

geneticmodelsmanagement.com

317-735-5173

Booking

Chad Milam

310-703-0320

Label

Hannah Nalley Holdings

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