I can think of about a dozen people who I need to text back, un-ending tasks waiting for my hand, and a laundry list of household chores I have yet to complete. And for some reason, I just spent three hours watching Netflix.
I can only assume the reason why is because I spent the majority of my day in family mode and wanted to decompress for a little while. The step-kids are something I swore I would never talk about online but it seems I am in the habit of sharing just about anything on this blog, and as reluctant as I've been to admit it, these two eleven-year-old girls are a pretty big part of my life.
The whole "step-mom" thing is a tricky role to play and sometimes it feels very lonely. After all, they aren't my kids. I have no real claim on them, and I certainly don't devote the same time and attention as I would to my own offspring. But then, I'd like to think I would wait to have children until I was ready (though I'm not sure that "ready" actually exists).
The point is, I didn't choose to have kids; I chose to be with someone who has kids. And I'm still exploring the difference between either choice.
I look around at my life and there is so much to be grateful for; a strong community, wonderful friendships, financial prosperity, the opportunity to learn, grow, and invest in my career... but I don't quite know how to wear this hat of the extracurricular parent.
I love Chad's girls. I would do anything to protect them. I think they are beautiful, smart, kind, and powerful souls but I don't know how much I'm able to give them. I care about their well-being and who they will become, but I'm still tying to become myself.
It all feels so un-relatable, like I'm in some liminal, no-man's land, never fully part of any group. Do people judge me for being the younger, second wife? Do I judge myself?
I'm not sure how to feel sexy and powerful as an artist when I'm constantly battling these inner identity crises, but maybe that's who I'm meant to exclusively be. Maybe I'm meant to be a whole person–– diverse, complex, and sometimes messy.
Chad and I chose to build our lives together, and I couldn't ask for someone more honest, kind, and capable. I guess I'm just too caught up in worlds of what-ifs to fully embrace my chosen path.
Ttyt,
Hannah